Whole

Throughout my writings I talk about the goal of becoming whole on my own. It’s been a topic of fear and also obsession I can admit. I think things that breed obsession in your mind can be revealing and tell you a lot, that is if you’re willing to listen. It can tell you where there has been pain and trauma in your life. It can tell you what the world has convinced you of, what you have convinced yourself of. The thing about obsessions such as this, is that there are usually no backings or evidence to support the thoughts in the first place. It is just the anxious mind running rampant and enough repetition of the thought can make it become reality for you.

For me on my healing journey, I came into it with many misconceptions that were proved wrong/different throughout time. A big one is this concept of becoming whole on my own. You see, I had myself convinced at the beginning of this journey that I would get to this state of wholeness after x amount of self-work. This state of wholeness, after “fixing” and “filling” all the holes, cracks, and faults that lie within myself. THEN and only then I could lead a life of completeness. The longer I’ve been on this journey the more I thought about it… I wanted to be whole on my own, but how does one do that? In my mind it was going to be through self-work, introspection, and time. But the irony of this goal, is that the ways that I thought I could achieve it, are still considered “outside” of myself if you really think about it. Another irony, is this idea that I convinced myself that I wasn’t whole on my own to begin with. What makes a human – whole? The feeling of wholeness? Feelings are meant to be validated by the self and respected, but they are not the truth. Everything you think and feel are not universal truths – they are simply what they are: thoughts and emotions. They are not to be considered factual – but to be acknowledged, felt, and worked through.

I started to critically think about it from a different lens. There is nothing to say out there in the world that I am not already whole, as I am now. And I mean RIGHT now, with every single one of my faults and dark pieces of me that make me feel not so whole. What comes to my mind is the moon. One of my favorite things about the universe. I said the other day, “When I look up in the sky and see you, I never feel lonely. No matter how full you are.” Because the fact is, is that just because the sun is not shining on the whole moon for it to appear “full”, doesn’t mean that it isn’t. The dark part of it isn’t missing, it just isn’t being seen or acknowledged.

What an obvious slap in the face of reality for me to realize. A thought that only occurred to me when looking at something other than myself, when in all reality it applies to all things and all beings. We don’t need to do anything to become “whole”, we already are.

This is not to say that we do not need to actively work on ourselves or confront the darkness that lies within us. That is our duty as humans I think, but I think where our misconception stands is that we believe that just because darkness lies within us means that there is emptiness there. The sooner we realize that portion of us is just as much of a part of us as the light portion, the sooner we can confront the darkness itself. Instead of denying its existence.

Throughout time, my understanding of things have changed and I hope they continue to. If they didn’t, I would still be stuck in a lot of ways of thinking. Including believing that I am not a whole human because of my faults. This entire time my goal was to become whole on my own and I’ve finally reached the point where I know I am. Not through the means that I thought I would, but instead by realizing that I was whole from the very start.

All of my love,

Nicole