The Greatest Heart Break

The greatest and grandest heartbreak that a person will ever experience. We all know the one I’m talking about, I’m sure a person popped up in your head whenever you read that. The one you weren't sure that you'd be able to get through, the one that had you questioning if you had reached your pain threshold, the heartbreak that you will never forget. Usually when this is the case, the love that you shared is the same in that manner. Unforgettable. Heartbreak being the most painful experience a human can go through is a bold statement, but one that I am willing to stand by. I stand by it because it isn’t limited to break ups. I’ve seen mother’s hearts shatter when they hear their child’s cancer diagnoses, or someone getting the news of an accident taking the life of their loved one. Heartbreak happens in many forms and a lot of people can say that they have experienced it in one way or another. 

When you’re in the depths of heartbreak and your heart is wrenching, it feels like your skin is crawling, your soul wants out of your body. It’s writhing and bursting at the walls of your skin to get out. It doesn’t want to live a human experience or feel any of the pain that comes along with it anymore. Willing to give up even the good parts of it all, anything to make it stop. Anything to find an escape. There isn't one.

My greatest heartbreak was with the person who I wanted forever with and he wanted forever with me. He was unlike any other person that I had ever come across and he changed my life forever. Our connection was unlike anything either of us had ever experienced before and we were quick to make plans for the future because of that reason. Connection is one of those things that is only truly understood by the two beings within the connection itself. It is a reality that no one else gets to experience outside of them, and that’s what makes it special in a sense. It's that very thing that makes the love, and the heartbreak so hard to explain to anyone else also.

I think what they don’t prepare you for is that heartbreak is not a linear and universal feeling that follows rules. If you think about it, its counterpart (love) isn’t either. It’s been hard to describe to anyone outside of myself, and the only person that I feel like would understand – I can’t talk to. People think of rules when they think of breakups and it is hard for them to understand where I am coming from when I try to describe it. That is why this heartbreak in particular has changed how I will treat any friend that is going through a breakup. Because the experience isn’t precise and doesn’t make sense sometimes. Rules don’t apply here. Sometimes in fact, no amount of breakup audio books, YouTube channels, or wise advice from elders can help you make sense of it all. Sometimes heartbreak shatters your whole thought process and reality. And when it does, you have to start from the ground up – rebuilding what knowledge you thought you had.

With that, these are some things I’ve learned during mine:

• Sometimes no matter how badly you want to be with another human, it isn’t what is best for you. Standing firm in what is best for you is priority. Set boundaries, and stick to them.
• Your brain and your gut know what’s best for you, it can take a while for your heart to catch up.
• Alongside that, sometimes taking action before you’re ready is key. If you wait until you’re ready, you might never take action (discernment for this one should be used).
• Losing things like friends, pets, step kids, etc., adds a thick layer to the breakup sadness.
• It can be the hardest thing someone has ever had to go through, even if they were the one to break it off. This is one of those “rules” that don’t apply. Don’t assume that the person that ends it isn’t in any pain just because of their position.
• When both parties still want each other it is almost impossible to stay away. That is why no contact is key for this.
• Following up from the last bullet: DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT.
• 3 months isn’t always the timeline of healing after a breakup. Take as much time as you need to heal, don't just numb it.
• Contradictory feelings about the person/situation are normal.
• Finding ways to grieve/process are imperative.
• Do not look at any of their social media, no matter how bad you want to, period.
• Following up from the last bullet: NO EXCEPTIONS.
• You can still support and love them from afar.
• Setting them free and letting go of any hopes of reconciliation is essential.
• No one can take away the connection that you two had, you didn’t lose them. They are with you and a part of you always.
• It is good for you to move on, and it is good for them to move on too.
• If you can get a friend that will be your break-up buddy, it is highly recommended. Someone that lends support when you need it and will let you endlessly vent about it without judgement.
• You will understand one day, even if that isn’t anytime soon.

For a long time I held onto hope that this could eventually work out between this person and I. Coming to terms with our fate was the biggest hurdle I had to overcome during this process. But now that I have, I am at peace and I have released him with a kind heart. I will carry him and our experience with me always. I continue to support him and his endeavors from afar and I will always be proud of him on his journey. I thank him for the role and the importance that he once had in my life.

Love isn’t always about “having” someone forever. Sometimes it is about the experience of it. What is cool to say about this love in particular for me, is that I did. I got to experience this type of love, with this person. Changing my mindset from a place of lack to a place of abundance. From “I lost this person and the love we had” to “I was able to experience a love that not a lot of people get to experience, how amazing.” I am now moving onto different love experiences. The experience of love with myself. The experience of love in sisterhood. The experience of love with friends. 

I no longer wish to find my perfect person that completes me. Because let’s just be honest, no human on this planet can ever complete another. We are imperfect, and no one will ever be able to live up to that standard. I have to be whole on my own. My goal now, is exactly that. Becoming whole on my own and not needing any external factors to complete my being. Then, finding someone that is whole on their own too, and we do life together. Loving each other to the best of our human capabilities, and I really do believe that person is out there for me. But what is nice is, I am in no rush to find them. I am taking my time to become whole and I really am enjoying the journey along the way. My heart goes out to whoever is going through heartbreak currently, take your time with it. The fog will lift soon.

All of my love,

Nicole